To Say Goodbye Read online

  His stomach plummeted as he looked into the hazel eyes of his wife. Where once he’d seen love reverberating for him, he saw blankness, coldness. Something was wrong, and it wasn’t just a lack of sleep.

  “Okay,” he said, not wanting to recognize the crumbling of the world around him. Not wanting to believe when he’d finally returned home, when he’d given it all up for her, it was going to amount to disaster.

  “I’ve met someone else.”

  The words floated in the air between them, silence underscoring their power.

  “What do you mean you’ve met someone else?”

  “I’ve fallen in love with someone else. His name is Seth.”

  He waited for the laughter, waited for the telltale fine lines around her eyes to show as her smile widened. He waited for the “just kidding” line to come from her mouth, waited for her to pull on his hand and yank him upstairs for the hot sex he’d been craving.

  Instead, she just stared, assessing his reaction.

  “Jackson, I’m sorry. I didn’t plan on this happening. I didn’t.”

  “What are you talking about? You said a few months ago you couldn’t wait for me to come home.”

  “I know. And I meant it at the time. But you were gone. You weren’t here. It was lonely. And Seth came along. I met him at Logan’s daycare. He has a little boy, too. We went for coffee one day, just as friends, and it all just happened so fast. I didn’t plan to fall for him. It just happened.”

  “Jesus Christ, Chloe. We’re married. We have a life together. A son. He isn’t even two yet. And you’re sleeping with someone else?”

  “Don’t be crude.”

  Anger boiled in his blood now. “I’m being crude? You’re fucking cheating on me. I gave it all up, Chloe. I gave up my career for you. To be with you. I know it was hard with me away. So I quit, gave it up, abandoned my duty to be with you and Logan. I love you.” He looked into her eyes, rage burning within him. Where once he saw eyes that only seemed to see him, he now saw regret. He saw distance. He saw screaming emptiness.

  She didn’t love him anymore. How could this happen? How could she fall out of love with him when things were finally back on track, when he was finally home? How could the spunky woman who had danced with him at the bar, whose kiss had made him come to life, not want to be with him? How could she change her mind so quickly?

  Tears formed in her eyes. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this. I don’t even know you.”

  “Yes, you do. You know me. You love me.” He desperately clung to the façade, to the vision he had of her from the bar, the vision of her in the short white dress a few years ago. The vision of her in the photographs, of Logan in her stomach. The visions he had of them growing old together, raising Logan together, and sitting on their front porch with grandchildren at their feet.

  Now, it was going up in a puff of smoke, blowing up like an artillery shell had just careened into them.

  “I’m sorry. I really am. We’ll work out a custody agreement. For now, Logan and I are going to move in with Seth.”

  “You’re not taking my son.”

  “Jackson, I’ve already made my decision. Please don’t make this harder.”

  “You can’t leave. You can’t.” By now, he was pleading. He didn’t care. He couldn’t let his life fall apart like this.

  “It’s over. I won’t fight you for the house. It’s yours.”

  Tears now openly flowed from his eyes. He’d seen friends die, seen terrible sights of human suffering during his time abroad. He’d endured blazing heat, terrifying moments, hell on earth. Nothing, though, hurt as much as this. Nothing hurt as much as losing the woman he thought he would share forever with. More than that, nothing hurt as much as losing their son.

  “Please don’t take him.”

  “I’m going to get a bag. We’ll get the rest of my stuff tomorrow.”

  With the confession made, she was gone, gone to pack up for a new life with a man named Seth. Gone to take away his son, his whole life, his everything.

  He was left behind in a house he no longer wanted, with half-washed dishes in the sink and an empty bed symbolizing a dream that had been destroyed. He was left to pick up the pieces of a life he could no longer have.

  That night, it began.

  The end of the beginning, the beginning of the end. The destruction of his life, of the Jackson he once was. The destruction of his belief in love, in happiness, in everything in between.

  That was the night he’d started drinking.

  He didn’t stop until the gavel fell in the courtroom taking his son away, taking away every last remnant of hope. Even then, the booze kept soothing his veins, numbing him to the barbed-wire feeling in his heart.

  _______________

  “Jackson? You hear me?” Evan burst into his thoughts, snapping him out of his memories.

  “Yeah, sorry. Just tired.”

  “Hey, I’m sorry about the whole marriage thing. I shouldn’t have said anything. Not with the whole Chloe situation.”

  “Man, I’m fine.”

  “It wasn’t that long ago, and I don’t think you’re fine.”

  “I am. Listen, what do you say we get out of here? Go out? I haven’t been to Chad’s for a while.”

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Evan asked warily.

  Jackson eyed him. “I’m fine. Really. We’ll just have a beer or two.”

  Evan sighed. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “I’ve learned my lesson. Really. I know I’ve got to prove myself to Chloe if I want a chance to have Logan in my life.”

  “I don’t think you should have to prove anything to that bitch, honestly. But you’re right. You need to walk the line so you can appeal the custody ruling.”

  “A few beers aren’t going to make much of a difference. It’s fine.”

  “All right, but we’re only having a few.”

  “Deal. Let’s go.”

  They headed out the door and started walking down the street to Jackson’s old haunt, and to the place that had haunted Jackson’s life path as of late. Evan was probably right—it wasn’t a good idea. But Jackson was never one to let past decisions or disasters scare him away. He liked to stare disaster in the face. So they trudged on until they saw the blinking sign for their destination. They headed inside the crowded bar, full of Friday night partiers and Friday night “I want to forget everything” drinkers.

  I definitely need to forget, Jackson thought. I need to forget everything.

  At the moment, it seemed highly unlikely that it would be possible.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  SOPHIA

  “I don’t think this is a good idea,” Sophia urged as Stella pulled her out the door of Pink Lemonade after closing up shop.

  “Oh, stop. It’s just a few drinks. Come on. It’s Friday.”

  Stella’s studded high heels clicked on the pavement, making Sophia feel severely underdressed in her Converse sneakers. It didn’t matter, though. Stella was still young and untainted, a believer in love. She could afford to dress the part of a woman looking for Mr. Right. Sophia had been there, done that, and lost the love of her life. Her heart was closed. Her wardrobe certainly reflected it.

  She followed Stella down the block toward the sketchy bar Stella had raved about.

  “I can’t believe we haven’t gone here before. It’s so close to the shop,” Stella announced as they pounded their feet on the pavement.

  “From the name of it, I can. Desperate times, I suppose.”

  “Oh stop being a snob. It’s going to be great. Cheap beer, quaint setting.”

  “So you’re saying it’s a dump.”

  Stella playfully hit her. “Don’t be a downer. Come on. When’s the last time you went out for a drink?”

  Sophia didn’t answer.

  “Exactly.”

  “Stell, I’m just not in the mood. What’s the point? I’m not ready to pick up some bar rat.”

  “Easy,
cowgirl. First, no offense, but I don’t think there’s a fear of that in your apparel.” Stella grinned, eying up Sophia’s sneakers, jeans, and black T-shirt. “Don’t get me wrong, you’re gorgeous no matter what you’re wearing. But your outfit doesn’t exactly say come hither.”

  “I don’t want it to.”

  “Okay, then. See, we’re good. I’m not saying you have to jump into bed with someone. I’m not saying you’re going to find the new love of your life. I’m saying let’s go have a drink, celebrate your week back on the job. Just two friends kicking back a bit.”

  “You’re right. I don’t really want to go home yet anyway.”

  “That’s the spirit. Look, Soph, I know these past few months have been unimaginable. I know it’s going to take a long time for you to feel even semi-okay again. I’m here for you, though. It’s going to be hard, sad, and awful. But I’m going to make you smile. I’m not letting you slip away. Got it?”

  Sophia smiled begrudgingly. “Got it.”

  The two women approached the slipshod building that was their destination. A florescent sign flashed in the window. The O in “Open” was burned out, so the sign just said “pen.”

  Sophia’s hopes dissipated. So much for taking steps toward moving on. Chad’s Chugs, though, quintessentially summarized the current state of her whole life—falling apart.

  “Keep an open mind,” Stella encouraged as she opened the screechy screen door to enter.

  “I’m trying.”

  A stagnant, musty odor infused with alcohol wafted into Sophia’s face, and she involuntarily coughed. “Just one beer, and then I’m out.”

  “Deal.”

  _______________

  “Two Miller Lights,” Stella ordered at the bar once they climbed onto the wobbling stools. A KISS song blared in the background, threatening to give Sophia a blasting headache. This wasn’t quite the scene she had in mind. Of course, lately, her only scene was her living room.

  As the bartender complied, Stella turned to Sophia. “Isn’t it good to be out?”

  “I guess.”

  “Oh stop. It’s not so bad.”

  “How’d you find this place?”

  “Larry brought me here last Friday.”

  “Who’s Larry?”

  Stella looked sheepish. “A guy I met a few weeks ago.” Despite her attempts to hold back, Sophia could see she was busting to tell her more.

  “Go on.”

  “He’s great, Soph. Really great.” Stella turned to her beer as the bartender set it in front of her. She pretended to be busying herself with the bottle.

  “That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say?”

  Stella looked at her, unsure. Sophia sighed.

  “Stella, you can talk to me about this. I’m not going to melt.”

  “I know. I just... I feel terrible talking about my love life. With everything. I didn’t want to make you feel sad.”

  “Which is stupid. Because I already feel sad. You can’t make it any worse. Trust me. Tell me about this guy.”

  “We met at Panera Bread a few weeks ago. I accidentally forgot my wallet in my car. He paid for my coffee and bagel, and we chatted. He’s really great, Soph. He’s an engineer. We went out twice already, and we have plans for tomorrow.”

  Sophia smiled, recognizing the telltale radiance in her friend’s face. “You like him a lot, huh? I can see it on your face.”

  “He’s perfect. Really. A great job, handsome, really sweet. I just feel so comfortable talking with him.”

  “I’m so happy for you. I am. I can’t wait to meet him.”

  Sophia swigged her beer, turning slightly from the conversation.

  Don’t think about it. Be happy. Stella deserves this, she told herself as she fought back a stinging in her eyes. She didn’t want to feel jealous, didn’t want to feel angry that while Stella was out finding love and starting a new relationship, hers was gone. She wanted to feel happy, be selflessly happy for her friend’s good fortune. It was unquestionably hard.

  She turned toward the other side of the bar, pretending to be interested in watching a game of pool, so she could prevent Stella from detecting her true feelings. Stella had known her for years. Sophia’s “I’m fine” lie would never work.

  As she glanced around, she saw two men, both joking and laughing, sitting at a small table across the room. Through the hazy atmosphere and the low lights, her gaze fell on a familiar face. She was surprised when recognition clicked in.

  Jackson.

  Her mind instantly flashed back to the rainy day, standing by the grave, his sunglasses covering his eyes.

  She tried to push the sickening memory back, tried to cover it, but she had few other memories of the muscular man to replace it with. There’d been pictures of this man as a boy, standing beside Tim at the creek or at family gatherings. There’d been stories she’d heard second-hand from Tim, memories he’d shared. She and Tim had seen him at the gas station a few months after they’d started dating. She’d been introduced briefly, hearing promises the two men would find time to get together.

  Life, as always, got in the way.

  Other than that, the man was practically a stranger to her. The only personal encounter she’d had with him was seven months ago, four months before her life went to shit. It had been a time she thought nothing bad could happen to her. The seemingly inconsequential moment now meant everything because it was a moment when Tim was still hers.

  _______________

  Sophia trudged through the mall, shopping bags loading her arms. It was a Thursday night, and she was off from the shop. Tim was staying late for a meeting at work, so she’d decided to do a little retail therapy. Her summer wardrobe was lackluster, and she had some coupons to use.

  A few hours into her shopping splurge, her stomach had been rumbling. She’d made the decision to head to the food court for a mall pretzel and a soda.

  That’s when she heard her name.

  “Sophia?” the voice questioned behind her, and she spun.

  In front of her stood a man dressed in baggy jeans and a gray T-shirt. Stubble grazed his chin, and he looked worn. Sophia took inventory of his body, her gaze traveling from his perfect jawline to his bulky arms. If she weren’t married, she’d think he was...

  “Sophia, is that you?” the man asked, and she paused, recognition taking a moment to click in. This man looked very different from the chubby-faced boy she’d known in the photographs. He was different even from the man she’d met over a decade ago at the gas station.

  But the eyes, the steel-gray eyes gave him away.

  “Jackson, right?” She didn’t quite trust herself, didn’t trust her memory, her eyes.

  “Yeah, how are you? How’s Tim?” He seemed genuinely happy to see her, and she reciprocated his smile.

  She dropped her bags to rest her arms. “He’s great. He’s working late tonight. He was accepted into the law firm he had his eye on during college. Everything’s good. How about you?”

  It seemed like the right thing to ask, a natural follow-up. After she said it, though, she instantly regretted it. His face fell at the words. She didn’t know what to do next.

  “Oh, not as great, I’m afraid. Things are kind of shitty. I’m home now, though, for good. I’m done with the army.”

  “Oh, wait, so you’re back in town? Here? I thought Tim said you were living up in Hastings?”

  “I was. Things kind of fell apart with the wife. I decided to come back here, get a fresh start. I’m looking for work right now.”

  “I’m sorry.” She could see the searing pain in his eyes. Her heart ached for him. “Well, listen, I know Tim will be thrilled to hear you’re back. Let me give you his number.”

  Jackson beamed at the mention of Tim. “That’d be awesome. It’s been so long. I’d love to see him. Let me put his number in my phone.”

  She told him the number and then asked for his. “I’ll have him call you, huh?”

  “That would be g
reat. Sophia, it was really good seeing you. I hope to see you again soon.”

  “I’m sure of it. Tim has told me so much about you.”

  “See you around,” he said before turning to leave.

  She’d smiled on her way to the pretzel stand after reclaiming her bags from the ground. She couldn’t wait to tell Tim about her encounter. Jackson looked so downtrodden. Maybe Tim could help turn things around.

  Later that night, she’d told Tim about the run-in. He’d been happy to hear about Jackson too.

  “That’s awesome. I’ll have to give him a call soon. Man, he was like a brother to me growing up.”

  She smiled, thinking how funny life was sometimes. A random trip to the mall had led to what was bound to be a reconnection. Life was beautiful sometimes.

  But Jackson and Tim never got together. There was no reconnection. Jackson’s number sat on Tim’s phone, unused and undialed. There was no good reason, really. Life stood in the way. Long hours at the law firm, busy schedules. They had all thought there was plenty of time for reconnections, for visits, for meetings.

  They had all been horribly, violently wrong.

  _______________

  Dressed in jeans and a black T-shirt, Jackson sat with a beer in the chaotic atmosphere of the bar, talking animatedly with his friend.

  Stella followed Sophia’s gaze. “Hey, there’s Jackson.” Sophia snapped back to the present, leaving the memories behind.

  “Yeah. I haven’t seen him since...”

  “Do you want to go say hello?”

  “I don’t want to make things weird.”

  “I think it would be weird if you didn’t say hello. He was Tim’s best friend at one point.”

  “I barely know him.”

  “Stop being antisocial. Go say hello. Plus, his friend is pretty handsome.” Stella winked.

  “You’re attached, remember?”

  “Not yet.” Stella grinned, nudging Sophia with her elbow.

  Sophia plunged off her barstool, almost tipping it over. She’d only had a few sips to drink, but it looked like she had more. She walked casually over to the other side of the bar.